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A big-shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could...

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. The patient is tearful and crying...

Benign What you be after you be eight. Bacteria Back door to cafeteria. Barium What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan Searching for Kitty. Cauterize Made eye contact with her. Colic A sheep dog. Coma A punctuation mark. D&C Where Washington is. Dilate To live long. Enema Not a...

Ran into an old friend the other day who is now a Glaxo rep. She told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company. The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its...

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland...

Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like … night. On the other hand … you have different fingers. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Remember half the people you know are below average. He...

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, “I’m sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.” Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted...

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Put your garbage can on your desk...

by Dave Berry Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.” There is a very fine line between “hobby”...