Medical Jokes

Ran into an old friend the other day who is now a Glaxo rep. She told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.

The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help you remember what the f*** you are doing.

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.Speaking about manic depression, she asked:

“How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

Neurotics build castles in the clouds.

Psychotics live in the castles in the clouds.

Psychiatrists charge both of them rent.

Q: How many gynecologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Why don’t we just take out the socket? You’re not using it any more,
and it’ll only cause you more problems later on!”

An anesthesiologist has a stock answer to the usual question asked by pre-surgical patients:

“How much will the anesthesia cost?”

“Oh, about $100.00: $1.00 to go to sleep and $99.00 for waking up. Most patients buy the whole package.”

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading:
“Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”The town fathers were not too happy with the sign and they proposed:
“Hysterias and Posteriors.”

The Doctors didn’t find that acceptable, and suggested:
“Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.”

The town didn’t like that either, and countered with:
“Catatonics and High Colonics.”

Thumbs down again. By now the story was in the papers and suggestions began rolling in:

  • “Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives”
  • “Minds and Behinds”
  • “Lost Souls and Ass-holes”
  • “Analysis and Anal Cysts”
  • “Queers and Rears”
  • “Nuts and Butts”
  • “Freaks and Cheeks”
  • “Loons and Moons”

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on:
“Dr. Smith & Dr. Jones, Odds & Ends.”

A man came into the ER and yelled

“My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!”

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

“Big breaths,” I instructed.

“Yes, they used to be,” said the patient, remorsefully.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,

“Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

“Now your left.” Again, a flawless read.

“Now both,” I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line.

I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

During a patient’s two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

“Which one?” asked the doctor.

“The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!”

The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see: Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?”

After a look of complete confusion, she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.”

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,

“So how’s your breakfast this morning?”

“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

A lady walked into a pharmacy & spoke to the pharmacist. She asked:

“Do you have Viagra?”

“Yes,” he answered.

She asked, “Does it work?”

“Yes,” he answered.

“Can you get it over the counter?” she asked

“I can if I take two,” he answered.

A patient told me this one.

A fellow comes in to see his doctor. The doctor performs a physical exam, and notes that the patient has peas in one ear and corn in the other, mashed potatoes in his axilla, a bit of broccoli in his nose, and a carrot in his navel.

“Ah, yes, I see what your problem is. You’re not eating properly.”

Read Schusky, ND
Boston, MA

Here’s a good one:

A famous cardiologist dies and goes up to see St. Peter about being “cleared” to enter the pearly gates. He is told to wait in line like everyone else — it’s a very long line.

After a short time, he gets impatient and goes to St. Peter and says, “Look, I’m really famous and have this mile long list of accomplishments. I should be allowed to go right in and not have to wait with the riffraff. Don’t you know WHO I AM?!”

St. Peter assures him he knows who he is, but it’s really first come, first served. This pattern is repeated several times.

Finally, the cardiologist sees this lowly internist arrive, bypass the line, St. Peter winks at him, opens the gate, and he goes right in. The cardiologist is livid and confronts St. Peter about letting the lowly intern right on in. St. Peter responds with a smile “Oh, that was God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor!”

Joanne M. Hillary PhD, ND
Spokane, WA