Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like … night.

On the other hand … you have different fingers.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever — so far so good.

Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria — they’re the only culture some people have.

When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need to.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable … except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse — it’ll be a great trade!

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.