Benign

What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria

Back door to cafeteria.

Barium

What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section

A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan

Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize

Made eye contact with her.

Colic

A sheep dog.

Coma

A punctuation mark.

D&C

Where Washington is.

Dilate

To live long.

Enema

Not a friend.

Fester

Quicker than someone else.

Fibula

A small lie.

General Practitioner

A doctor who keeps knowing less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.

G.I.Series

World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail

What you hang your coat on.

Impotent

Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain

Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff

A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid

A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates

Cheaper than day rates.

Node

I knew it.

Outpatient

A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear

A fatherhood test.

Pelvis

Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative

A letter carrier.

Recovery Room

Place to do upholstery.

Rectum

Damn near killed him.

Secretion

Hiding something

Seizure

Roman emperor.

Specialist

A doctor who keeps knowing more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

Tablet

A small table.

Terminal Illness

Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor

More than one.

Urine

Opposite of mine.

Varicose

Near by / Close by

Ran into an old friend the other day who is now a Glaxo rep. She told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.

The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help you remember what the f*** you are doing.

“How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

[Read more →]

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2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

11. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

12. War Dims Hope for Peace

13. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

14. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

15. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

16. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

17. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

18. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout counter

19. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

20. Farmer Bill Dies in House

21. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

22. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

23. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

26. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

27. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

28. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

29. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

30. Steals Clock, Faces Time

31. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

32. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

33. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

34. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

35. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

36. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

37. County Bars Further Erections

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like … night.

3. On the other hand … you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

12. I intend to live forever — so far so good.

13. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.

14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

15. Support bacteria — they’re the only culture some people have.

16. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!

17. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need to.

18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

25. Change is inevitable … except from vending machines.

26. Get a new car for your spouse — it’ll be a great trade!

27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

30. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, “I’m sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became know as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that old adage: “You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

   “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

   “Because,” he replied, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt who name their new baby “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband replies, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggert, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … what?

   A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In.”

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”

7. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.”

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, “Rock Hard Kim.”

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won! I won! Third time this week!!!!!”

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”

19. Tell your children over dinner,
    “Due to the bad economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity …

    Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this.

by Dave Berry

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

3. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. Never lick a steak knife.

11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

19. Your friends love you anyway.