WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

Men are just happier people –
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves
Chocolate is just another snack. [Read more →]

THE SYNTHROID SONG by Perry Ross
(sung to the tune of “Home on the Range”)
Oh give me a jab,
send the tubes to the lab,
The results will come back then we’ll see,
The numbers will show,
All that we need to know,
Oh I so hope that they all will be…
(chorus)
In The Normal Range,
Though my symptoms are not better yet,
My throat’s got a frog,
and my brain’s in a fog,
But my doctor just bought a Corvette.
…
Oh please let me be,
Where the labs all agree,
Oh yes, that is where I wish to dwell,
My doc says to stick,
with the arithmetic,
And don’t worry about whether I’m well.
(chorus)
In The Normal Range,
Not over, nor under a bit
Your numbers are fine,
so it’s all in your mind,
Even though you’re still feeling like shcrap.

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done you’ll have a place to live. [Read more →]

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. [Read more →]

This is from newshound Dave Barry’s colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly thru Minneapolis .  [Read more →]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
   The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. [Read more →]

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised not to  make any rash moves.

[Read more →]

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken needs to GET REAL and realize that he must first deal with the problem on “THIS” side of the road before it goes after the problem on the “OTHER SIDE” of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his “CURRENT” problems before adding “NEW” problems.

[Read more →]

(to be read with tongue firmly in cheek)

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Men: avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood-pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

1. “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

3. “Can you hear me NOW?”

4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey …”

8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”

10. “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

11. And THE Best One …

    “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”