Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, “I’m sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.” Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became know as the lesser of two weevils. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that old adage: “You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.” A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the...

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In.” Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.” Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy.” Dont use any punctuation marks As often as possible, skip rather than walk. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.” Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not...

by Dave Berry Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.” There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.” People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. You should not confuse your career with your life. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance. Never lick a steak...