DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken needs to GET REAL and realize that he must first deal with the problem on “THIS” side of the road before it goes after the problem on the “OTHER SIDE” of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his “CURRENT” problems before adding “NEW” problems. OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. GEORGE W BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground...

(to be read with tongue firmly in cheek) If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Men: avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. For high blood-pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

“Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.” “Find Amelia Earhart yet?” “Can you hear me NOW?” “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.” “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?” “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey …” “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!” “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!” “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.” And THE Best One … “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

Part 1 Three doctors are waiting for their intake interview with St. Peter. The first explains that he established a free health clinic in the inner city of Harlem and helped provide care for those who couldn’t afford it. St. Peter steps aside and he walks through the pearly gates. The second says she spent her career in third-world countries helping educate the locals in nutrition, birth control, and providing much-needed health care. St. Peter also steps aside and she walks through the pearly gates. The third is dressed in Hugo Boss, Bally, etc. He brags that he used to practice as a doctor but later got his MBA from Harvard and came up with a brilliant idea. It’s called a Health Maintenance Organization (HMO for short). “The great thing about this new concept was that we could limit the amount of health care to the people and allow insurance companies and Wall Street investors to become filthy rich.” With that, St Peter says, “That sounds very impressive, but I’ll have to think about it.” After scratching his chin for...

A big-shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. “No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!” She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came...

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. The patient refused autopsy. The patient has no previous history of suicides. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up. She is numb from her toes down. While in...

Benign What you be after you be eight. Bacteria Back door to cafeteria. Barium What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan Searching for Kitty. Cauterize Made eye contact with her. Colic A sheep dog. Coma A punctuation mark. D&C Where Washington is. Dilate To live long. Enema Not a friend. Fester Quicker than someone else. Fibula A small lie. General Practitioner A doctor who keeps knowing less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything. G.I.Series World Series of military baseball. Hangnail What you hang your coat on. Impotent Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff A Doctor’s cane. Morbid A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates Cheaper than day rates. Node I knew it. Outpatient A person who has fainted. Pap Smear A fatherhood test. Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative A letter carrier. Recovery Room Place to do upholstery. Rectum Damn near killed him. Secretion Hiding something Seizure Roman emperor. Specialist A doctor who keeps knowing more and more about less and less...

Ran into an old friend the other day who is now a Glaxo rep. She told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company. The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help you remember what the f*** you are doing. The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.Speaking about manic depression, she asked: “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Miners Refuse to Work After Death War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout counter Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Farmer Bill Dies in House Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Stolen Painting Found by Tree Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban On Soliciting...

Save the whales. Collect the whole set. A day without sunshine is like … night. On the other hand … you have different fingers. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Remember half the people you know are below average. He who laughs last thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I intend to live forever — so far so good. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. Support bacteria — they’re the only culture some people have. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane! Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need to. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Never do card tricks for the group you play...