1) A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No, I’m travelling light.”
2) “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
3) What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4) An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says, “Sir, do you realize you were travelling at 130 km per hour?” The electron says, “Oh great, now I’m lost.”
5) Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts, “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
6) How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
7) There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
8) When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up, I was like, “OMG.”
9) The barman says, “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
10) A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
11) What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
12) An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people crowded around that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks, “Can you see me now?” The four men answer, “Yes, Oui, Si, Ja.”
13) Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
14) How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
15) A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks, “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
16) A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers, please.”
17) Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s OK now.
18) An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician says, “I’ll have half of a beer.” The second mathematician says, “I’ll have one quarter of a beer,” The third mathematician, “I’ll have one eighth of a beer.” The fourth, “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts, “Know your limits, boys!” as he pours out a single beer.
19) What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot.
20) Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of “Being and Nothingness.” He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
21) A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks, “Euripides?” The professor replies, “Yes. Eumenides?”
22) A programmer’s wife tells him, “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
23) Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”