(to be read with tongue firmly in cheek)

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Men: avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood-pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

1. “Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”

2. “Find Amelia Earhart yet?”

3. “Can you hear me NOW?”

4. “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

5. “You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.”

6. “Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

7. “You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey …”

8. “Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

9. “If your hand doesn’t fit, you must acquit!”

10. “Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.”

11. And THE Best One …

    “Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?”

Part 1

Three doctors are waiting for their intake interview with St. Peter.

The first explains that he established a free health clinic in the inner city of Harlem and helped provide care for those who couldn’t afford it. St. Peter steps aside and he walks through the pearly gates.

The second says she spent her career in third-world countries helping educate the locals in nutrition, birth control, and providing much-needed health care. St. Peter also steps aside and she walks through the pearly gates.

The third is dressed in Hugo Boss, Bally, etc. He brags that he used to practice as a doctor but later got his MBA from Harvard and came up with a brilliant idea. It’s called a Health Maintenance Organization (HMO for short). “The great thing about this new concept was that we could limit the amount of health care to the people and allow insurance companies and Wall Street investors to become filthy rich.”

With that, St Peter says, “That sounds very impressive, but I’ll have to think about it.”

After scratching his chin for a minute he responds, “You can be admitted today, but you can stay for only two days.”

William Nelson, ND
Colorado Springs, CO

[Read more →]

A big-shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.” After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.” This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.

“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having his temperature taken?”

After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t. Not with a carnation anyway.”

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

10. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

13. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

16. The skin was moist and dry.

17. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

23. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.

24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

25. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

26. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

27. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree.

29. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Benign

What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria

Back door to cafeteria.

Barium

What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section

A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan

Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize

Made eye contact with her.

Colic

A sheep dog.

Coma

A punctuation mark.

D&C

Where Washington is.

Dilate

To live long.

Enema

Not a friend.

Fester

Quicker than someone else.

Fibula

A small lie.

General Practitioner

A doctor who keeps knowing less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.

G.I.Series

World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail

What you hang your coat on.

Impotent

Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain

Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff

A Doctor’s cane.

Morbid

A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates

Cheaper than day rates.

Node

I knew it.

Outpatient

A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear

A fatherhood test.

Pelvis

Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative

A letter carrier.

Recovery Room

Place to do upholstery.

Rectum

Damn near killed him.

Secretion

Hiding something

Seizure

Roman emperor.

Specialist

A doctor who keeps knowing more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

Tablet

A small table.

Terminal Illness

Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor

More than one.

Urine

Opposite of mine.

Varicose

Near by / Close by

Ran into an old friend the other day who is now a Glaxo rep. She told me of a drug that her company has under development. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.

The drug is called “Gingko Viagra,” and its function is to help you remember what the f*** you are doing.

“How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

[Read more →]

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

2. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

11. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

12. War Dims Hope for Peace

13. If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

14. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

15. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

16. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

17. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

18. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout counter

19. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

20. Farmer Bill Dies in House

21. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

22. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

23. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

26. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

27. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

28. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

29. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

30. Steals Clock, Faces Time

31. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

32. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

33. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

34. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves

35. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years

36. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

37. County Bars Further Erections

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like … night.

3. On the other hand … you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

12. I intend to live forever — so far so good.

13. Borrow money from a pessimist — they don’t expect it back.

14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

15. Support bacteria — they’re the only culture some people have.

16. When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane!

17. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need to.

18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

25. Change is inevitable … except from vending machines.

26. Get a new car for your spouse — it’ll be a great trade!

27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

30. If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at them and says, “I’m sorry gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became know as the lesser of two weevils.

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that old adage: “You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

   “But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

   “Because,” he replied, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt who name their new baby “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband replies, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggert, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … what?

   A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.